Jimmy Buffett's "The I-95 Asshole Song"

Were you born an asshole or did you work at it your whole life? 

Either way it worked out fine, cuase you're an asshole tonight. 

Yes, you're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e, don't try to blame it all on me, 

you deserve all the credit, you're an asshole tonight. 

You were an asshole yesterday, 

you're an asshole tonight. 

I got a feeling you'll be an asshole the rest of your life.  

I was talking to your mother, just the other night.  

I told her I thought you were an asshole, 

she said 'Yes, I think you're right.' 

And all your friends are assholes 

cuase you've known them your whole life.  

Someone told me you've got an asshole for a wife.

You were an asshole yesterday,

you're an asshole tonight. 

i got a feeling you'll be an asshole the rest of your life.

(Spoken)
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down
in the bottom of our chests.  About the special feeling we get in the
cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle
area.  Maybe in the liver.  Maybe in the kidneys.  Maybe even in the
colon, we don't know.

(Sung)
I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no) no way (uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
NAAAAH!

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

(Spoken)
Know what I'm gonna do?  I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado,
hot-fuckin'-pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big
brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah!  And I'm gonna drive around in
that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down
quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-
biodegradable Styrofoam containers... yeah!  And when I'm done suckin' down
those grease ball burgers I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right 
out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it.  You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah!  Two words--nuclear fuckin' 
weapons, OK?  Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the 
democracy they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the 
middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, 
because we got the bombs, OK?  John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen!  And when we find 
a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed 
off.  You know why?  You ever taken a cold shower?  Well, multiply that by 15 
million times--that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be.  I'm gonna get the 
Duke and John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whisky and 
drive...

(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)

Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris.  I thought I was the 
asshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!

(Sung)
I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E
Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay
A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom
Oooooooo

(Spoken)
I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!