|
| | And now, Deep Thoughts By
Jack Handy
I get these e-mails every day...so I
figured, why not share them with you, our faithful readers?!? Enjoy :)
 | Do you know what happens when you sl ice a golf
ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard
way.
| You know what's probably a good thing to hang
on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your
guests? Just a big bag of blood.
| Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake:
Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa!
Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
| To me, there's no better symbol for the world
than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe
lying next to him.
| When you go for a job interview, I think a good
thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
| You can't tell me that cowboyx, when they're
branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other
every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
| I wish scientists would come up with a way to
make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd
still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
| Many people never stop to realize that a tree
is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots
and is very quiet.
| If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy,
which one wo uld you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
| To us, it might look like just a rag. But
to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was
a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for
shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
| If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot
somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding
done, because you'd really be surprised.
| Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction
very much. "I guess you're not an `afictionado'," she said.
Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.
| If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet
the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled
would just drive you up a wall.
| If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up
behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
| Laurie got offended that I used the word
"puke." But to me, that' s what her dinner tasted like.
| The first thing was, I learned to forgive
myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want,
it's okay by me."It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart
by something as simple as wild dogs.
| If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it
so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
| If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go
real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to
catch you because, hey, free dummy.
| One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on
the outside, but if you e ver needed something, like a spanking or a
scolding, she'd give it to you.
| I think the mistake a lot of us make is
thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."
| Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's
pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that
"wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.
| If you go parachuting, and your parachute
doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny
gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
| It's interesting to think that my ancestors
used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to
head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
| I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and
I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead
of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and
I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my
parents having sex.
| If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a
nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second,
come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't
that better?
| You know what would make a good story?
Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
| Dad always thought laughter was the best
medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
| The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from
the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco
latrine.It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're
talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you
laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or
something.
| Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN
skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
| The old-timers around here still shake their
heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle
"hair restorer." He took everyone's money in a poker game,
so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money
left to buy it!
| You know what would be the most terrifying
thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch
somehow. You don't even care, do you.
| Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint
Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence.
But I think it was just a lucky swing.
| When this girl at the museum asked me who I
liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise."
She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I
guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
| I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient
Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be,
"Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the
body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later."
| The face of a child can say it all, especially
the mouth part of the face.Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be
enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I
see now.
| Just as bees will swarm about to protect their
nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate
eggs.
| If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's
a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white,
stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."
| If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a
cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks
why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because
of something you did."
| If any man says he hates war more than I do, he
better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
| If you go through a lot of hammers each month,
I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just
mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
| I bet one legend that keeps recurring
throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
| If someone told me it wasn't
"fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look
him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's
`fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why?
Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like
that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's
fashionable?"
| Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp
and when you com out you're all covered with leeches. Just say,
"Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of
look like big raisins.)
| To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.
Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact
and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled
into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
| A good way to keep a mob of peasants from
killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real
quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
| Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at
the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also
what's funny is how we do this every night.
| Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very
tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I
bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
| It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was
trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the
way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and
it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping.
"What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
| There should be a detective show called
"Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say
"I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I
don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
| Consider the daffodil. And while you're
doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
| If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog
that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the
dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive
me, but that's just too much."
| Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the
sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will.
But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is
made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
| My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and
one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.
| I think somebody should come up with a way to
breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after
you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
| I wish everybody would have to have an electric
thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shoc k whenever we did something
to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
| Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a
wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if
I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so
funny.
| I remember when I was in the army, we had the
toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your
face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be
peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the
army. Then who WAS that guy?!
| I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and
thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
| If you're ever selling your house, and some
people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap
because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and
that's a tr ick you taught him.
| I think there probably should be a rule that if
you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's
understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no
sense.
| I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in
time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men,
"If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the
sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try
to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of
the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
| He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.
He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But
when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the
preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy
shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting
for you in heaven---with a gun."
| If there's ever an amusement park called Bag
World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they
really sort of stretch the definition of "bag."
| Instead of trying to build newer and bigger
weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use
out of the weapons we already have.
| I don't think I'm ever more "aware"
than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.
| If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably
the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right
off. You see, we BUILD to that.
| Sometimes when I feel l ike killing someone, I
do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's
house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm
gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a
knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You."
After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
| Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around
in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes."
Happiness is when he stops.
| If you're traveling in a time machine, and
you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one
way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the
cob is good, isn't it.
| I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting
out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of
his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and
no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is
a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had
some growing up to do.
| In weightlifting, I don't think sudden,
uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
| I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a
cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey,
better try the emergency brake!
| If I was a father in a waiting room, and the
nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a
good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must
have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father.
| When you die, if you go somewhere where they
ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I
think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka
English."
| I wish I could shrink down to the size of an
ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down
to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground
and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we
hate that.
| The first thing was, I learned to forgive
myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want,
it's okay by me."
| I hope they never find out that lightning has a
lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
| I think when you go on trial they should have a
parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
| Even though I was their captive, the Indians
allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own
meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later
that I discovered t hey were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.
| If you had a school for professional fireworks
people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's
just too rich a subject.
| Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I
are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our
"stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot.
The third is stripes.
| Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach:
A sand dollar may look l ike a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me,
they don't taste like it.
| I think a good scene in a movie would be where
one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the
world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other
scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up,
the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
|
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
